The Soul Mate Fallacy
Deconstructing the Relationship Myth
"The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness." Neale Donald Walsch
There are many different theories of how we became to be in our form having thoughts, needs, and desires. Why we are so diverse and why we seem to be so fixated on the idea of having one person complete us to the point where we need them in order to have a feeling of wholeness. Many times I have spoken to clients who just want to know who their soul mate is and when can they find happiness. Having been a reader since 1986 I have seen a lot of lives absolutely destroyed based on either not finding their one single person, or finding someone whom they feel is their soul mate, but just does not respond no matter what they do. I knew that the phrase soul mate was created back in the 1970's, but I really was more interested in finding out who was responsible for so much grief and misconception about relationships.
It starts far back in the time of Plato when he wrote Symposium. Speaking in the voice of Aristophanes he attempted to explain human sexuality as an intervention by Zeus. In this allegorical tale he told of multi-limbed creatures that were similar to humans, and explained why people in love felt “whole” when they met their ideal mate. Things were not as they are now beings used to be connected to another body. There were three types of beings who were like spherical creatures that wheeled around by their hands and feet doing what appear to be cartwheels. There were three different types of these creatures, or humans: two males, two females, or those who were androgynous, both male and female. Zeus had decided that these creatures were powerful, and that if they ever decided to get upset at the gods, they might be able to take over full power over everything. This idea came to fruition when the beings had tried to climb to the summit of heaven and cause war against the gods.
Zues decided that although he liked being worshiped and adored, he needed to put things on a more even keel. So he split the beings into separate persons, and created distraction among them so that they would take their minds off conquering heaven and concentrate on seeking out their other halves the one(s) that they were born with to live out their lives.
More recently, some have attempted to further “prove” the concept of a single “soul mate” by stating that the penultimate authority, Edgar Cayce, mentioned it in his prophecies. I am an admirer of the “sleeping prophet” who was one of the most successful psychics and medical intuitive in the United States, but I need to add that although he did skirt close to the subject, what he actually did say, many times was that there was not just one person who was perfect match. There were many relationship possibilities for each person.
When you meet someone who you feel like you have known before, but can’t place from where they are part of your soul experience. Your soul contains your entire memory of life experiences; however your present cognitive memory will not normally recall these memories.
These people you come into contact with were you feel this instant response in your soul have traveled with you in some aspect in past lives. Have you ever seen someone and right off you wanted to be by their side? This person has had a soul experience with you in the past. Also, it works the other way if you have seen someone and on sight decided you needed to leave they too have had a life experience with you. So as you can see the perceptions can be either positive or negative. What you do about these situations is based on your intuition or soul response. The whole reason why we are on the planet is to learn from each other. Edgar Cayce believed that we were to have both positive and negative experiences in order for the soul to grow and fully understand what it is to be human.
Helen Fisher PhD, and inspiration of Match. Com, studied thousands of couples during the 70's her focus was based on how people became interested in each other, and what made the relationship work or fall apart in the end. She wrote a book called Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. In this study she discussed 3 major reasons why there is such a strong drive to have physical connections. Each one of these reasoning's are connected to the brain for both sexual satisfaction, and in some cases the drive to reproduce. They are as follows: Lust: the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection, Attraction: a quality or feature that attracts somebody and, Attachment: an emotional bond or tie to somebody or something. Even in 2010 she is regarded as a prominent voice with regard to the human condition as it relates to relationships.
It is clear that any one of these reasoning's could start a relationship, but to keep a relationship moving into a long term lasting thing there is more required. Lust generally throws both partners into a bond that is purely physical, and rarely if ever broadens into anything more than just a short fling. If both individuals understand that this is simply a short sided encounter they have no delusions that it will turn into anything more, and allow it to begin and end without developing emotional attachments. Relationships that are built on attraction have more influence in how a person feels about their selves, and what they feel they deserve in a partner.
There are at times very strong pre-existing emotional ties to their viewpoints much of which is based on what they have viewed in their homes as juveniles, and later as teens. If a couple comes together based on similar experiences, and connect on an emotional level then there is a good chance that this relationship has a solid basis for a lasting relationship once they have decided if they are physically compatible as well, as emotionally connected. Finally, when a person becomes attached to someone it can either be the start of a wonderful fulfilled relationship, or one of extreme obsession. Attachment is needed to complete a pair bond it is necessary for both people to feel like they are loved completely. This healthy ideal is based on compassion, and a deep desire to see each other succeed in all areas of their lives. Those blessed with this bond can go beyond the physical needs, and experience a love that is boundless. However, being involved in an incomplete pairing can lead to feelings of despair, anxiety, detachment and in some instances suicide. What Helen Fisher, PhD did was put a name to different physical and emotional reactions we as humans experience while searching for our next partner
In 1977, Dorothy Tennov PhD, described some of the earlier findings of Helen Fisher by coining the term Limerence, "...being madly and overwhelmingly in love to the point of obsession." There is a feeling of euphoria, and a complete denial of any rational behavior. This person has been convinced that they have met their soul mate that someone who completes them. This person who is in limerence is truly incapable of logical thought, and is primarily concerned with pleasing their object of affection. A person who is in limerence will deny themselves, in some instances, to the point of incapacity.
If this occurs they find that they no longer have a desire to please their self, and will often loose sight of their self concept thereby fully embracing an unhealthy desire to continue this behavior. If their object of affection is narcissistic they will do whatever they can to continue the behavior as long as it suits them. However, once this attention is no longer suiting their needs they will withdraw and in this action will cause the person in limerence to become more forceful in their attentions. Having convinced their selves that all they need to do is fight for the continuance even if it leads to destructive behavior.
They may have friends, family mental health care provider, or even a professional psychic telling them that this is not a real relationship, and there is nothing that can be done to fix it, but they are convinced that their love interest actually wants them. The following is a list of ideals associated with the term soul mate. Take a moment to look over the list and see if you or someone you know may be saying these things about the person they are interested in:
• Someone who completes you
• Someone who accepts you no matter what.
• Someone who has the unique capacity to love you more fully than anyone else on the planet.
• Someone for whom you would not have to make major compromises.
• Someone with whom you have a deep connection that is not based on infatuation.
• Someone who is your greatest friend.
• Someone who you feel God has brought to you.
When looking for a partner many people seek out traits that have been listed above. They have been taught by multiple sources how they should feel and act when it comes to finding a partner. When initially they do find someone and they seem to have everything come together quickly and effortlessly they say yes, this person is the one.
In the beginning of the relationship there is a lot of contact, late night calls, early day excitement all things that seem wonderful just like Sex In The City. Then after a while the calls start to wane, the visits dwindle and then reality starts to edge in.
It’s a wonderful life when at first sweeps you off your feet and into bliss. What can possibly go wrong? When you loose yourself in the abandonment of love you also stand to loose more than your unhappiness you stand to loose yourself.
I can not begin to tell you how many times a client has come to me in tears completely beside themselves trying to figure out just where they went wrong when a relationship falls apart. And then they decide that they will do just about anything to make it work.
As a reader and a spiritual advisor I often find myself in the position of becoming a mentor as well. As long as the client has a clear head and is open to truly working on all areas of their life I can assist them in creating new habits that can prove to be more efficient in creating relationship bonds. The most important thing to learn when you are ready to face reality is: You are born being a whole individual. You were not made imperfect and that you are blessed simply because you breathe. Next if you are interested in seeking out someone else this person must be someone who is caring, compassionate, and gives you respect enough to be yourself.
You might say you are yourself when you are with someone and they still leave, or I just have to get away from them. You meet someone they are simply wonderful everything about them makes you want to yell on the highest mountain top I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE! For days, weeks, even months you are on an emotional high and everything is perfect. Then you realize that friends are calling and saying hey where you been? You quit doing things you used to enjoy, and picked up a new routine of doing for your love interest. You stopped being you. This new someone has to remember that you had a life before they came in, and that for you to continue to be that same person they fell in love with you have to have your time too.
Many people ask me why they keep finding the same sorts of people to choose for a mate. Again it goes back to what you learned when you were younger, and the kinds of social situations you found yourself in as you were moving through your 20’s. How do you value your self worth? If you are in the mindset that you deserve peace, and consistency in all areas of your life then you most likely had a good example when you were younger. If however, your life was full of chaos and there was no consistency then you will most likely go through your life from relationship to relationship seeking peace, and finding only heartache and distrust.
Learning that this whole ideal of soul mates was initially formed to explain how people were formed as we are now is simply bizarre. Information is power and I am here to let you know that you can find that peace of mind along with a healthy relationship.
Part of this new perspective is to learn that there is no one person on this rock we call Earth that is just solely for you. You constantly evolve everything around you changes you. Even if you are agoraphobic you can still take in information by connecting to the internet and talking in chat rooms, or looking at social media. How you deal with this information can determine where you are in your personal life. If you expect to merely sit by and wait for something to happen you will end up severely disappointed.
What about praying and letting God bring this special someone to you? Prayer is extremely important to feeling secure and fulfilled to many individuals even those who come to me for advice. When someone says I have been praying and I have still not found my special someone. It is my opinion that God helps those who help themselves, and God is not going to do the hard work for you. I tell my clients who pray to whomever they feel guides them in their spiritual matters pray often, but do so with clarity.
If you are precise in what it is that you need, and what you are going to do to improve on your life then you will succeed. How do you create this success? You can create your future through the art of manifesting. Now, don’t go getting all wound up I don’t believe in just willy nilly think good thoughts and things happen. The art of manifesting ones future has a great deal to do with learning positive ways to handle life’s situations through physical, mental and spiritual work. It’s not that things will all the sudden become easier it’s that when you do things smarter you can create better results; thereby, creating your own road map to success.
Plato's Symposium: http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/1600
Edgar Cayce Soul mates: http://www.intuitive-connections.net/2003/book-soulmates.htm
Helen Fisher: http://www.helenfisher.com/
Dorothy Tennov PhD and Limerence: http://www.marriagehelper.com/soul_mate.php
*Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who is helping me get the bugs out of this chapter, and I sincerely hope that it gives you all hope and clarity to help you live your life more fully.
If you are interested in a reading with Jackie Chin call 330-824-1286